[Setting the Scene]
Senator Bernie Sanders steps up to the podium at a hastily called press conference. His hair is messier than usual, his glasses fogged, and he looks like a man about to do the unthinkable: tell the truth.
He clears his throat and begins.
“Good afternoon, everyone. Today, I’m going to do something that may shock you. I’m going to be honest. Completely, painfully honest. Not the campaign trail honesty you’re used to—the kind where I yell a lot about billionaires and then vaguely blame insurance companies for all your problems. No, today, we’re talking about the healthcare system as it actually is. So buckle up.”
On the State of Healthcare
“First, let’s address the tragedy that’s brought us here today: the murder of a healthcare CEO. Let me be clear—this was a heinous, senseless act of violence. And to anyone thinking this is how you express frustration with the system, you’re wrong. It’s not.
“But—yes, I said but—people are angry, and understandably so. Our healthcare system is a hot mess. What you pay and what you get don’t align, and nobody—not the doctors, the patients, or even the insurers—likes how this thing runs. But here’s the kicker: the people most responsible for this mess? You’re looking at them. It’s us, the politicians, not the insurance companies.”
On Insurance Companies
“You think your premiums are outrageous because insurance companies are greedy? Sure, they like making money—who doesn’t? But here’s what you don’t hear: they’re playing by the rules we gave them.
“Ever wonder why healthcare is the only thing in America where nobody can tell you what it costs until after you’ve bought it? That’s not Blue Cross’s idea—that’s the Byzantine regulatory nightmare we built in Washington. We’ve made it so every hospital, insurer, and provider needs an army of lawyers and administrators just to figure out what the heck they’re allowed to do.”
On Drug Prices
“Now, let’s talk Big Pharma. Oh, I love railing against them—they’re an easy target. But here’s the truth: the reason you’re paying through the nose for medications is because we wrote the laws that let drug companies game the patent system. We gave them monopolies and market exclusivity and then acted surprised when they used them. You mad about $500 insulin? Look at who took their campaign donations.”
On Medicare for All
“And while we’re at it, let’s talk about my favorite subject: Medicare for All. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Everybody covered, no out-of-pocket costs, no more dealing with private insurance.
“But here’s the part I don’t say in my speeches: throwing Medicare for All on top of this disaster won’t fix the problem. It’ll just turn a broken, overcomplicated system into a giant, government-run broken system. Think the DMV, but with surgery scheduling. If you think that’s the solution, I’ve got a single-payer bridge to sell you.”
On Elizabeth Warren’s Comments
“Now, I know Elizabeth Warren and I have both been called out for our comments about this tragedy. And I’ll admit it: when you condemn a murder and then follow it with a ‘but,’ it doesn’t land the way you want it to. Here’s what I should’ve said:
‘There’s no excuse—ever—for violence. Period. And if we’re serious about fixing the healthcare system, we need to address the real issues, not just scapegoat a few CEOs or insurance companies.’
“Elizabeth’s a good friend, but we both blew it on this one.”
On the Real Solutions
“So what’s the answer? It’s not Medicare for All. It’s not demonizing insurance companies. It’s this:
- Transparency: Force hospitals and insurers to tell you the real cost of care up front. If a cheeseburger can have a price tag, so can an MRI.
- Streamline Regulations: Cut the red tape that drives up costs and keeps providers buried in paperwork instead of treating patients.
- Reform Pharma: End the patent games and introduce real competition for drug manufacturing.
- Empower States: Let states experiment with different models instead of imposing one-size-fits-all solutions from D.C.
“Will it be easy? No. Will it win me applause at rallies? Definitely not. But it’s the truth, and it’s what we need.”
The Closing Gaffe Bernie Would Never Say
Bernie looks around the room, his voice softening.
“And let me tell you, folks, if you’re waiting for Washington to fix this, you’ll be waiting a long time. We like the system broken—it gives us something to campaign on. And that’s the honest truth you’ll never hear me—or any politician—say at a real press conference.”
The room erupts in stunned silence. Bernie steps away from the podium, grabs a bottle of water, and mutters under his breath: “That oughta stir the pot.”
Final Note
This imaginary press conference might never happen, but it’s the kind of straight talk America needs. Real reform won’t come from soundbites or scapegoating. It’ll come from addressing the real, systemic issues—something few politicians have the guts to do.
Dave Soulia | FYIVT
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